Tuesday, April 19, 2005

boy i am only human

i am sooo not a god. i am only an entity in this universe, an object where my existence between another object articulates a space, and the space where i occupy myself cannot be occupied by another entity at the same exact time.

rest assured i can think of different places and different people even when i am at a different place, though.

therefore, even when i seem to overlook some people, doesn't mean they are not remembered, and doesn't mean they are not dearest.

i am only human, subject to the tide of consequences.

Monday, April 04, 2005

promises

when making promises,
bear in mind that

always, forever and never

are too strong words to use.

it usually happens in the evenings

It usually happens in the evenings, nearing dusk, when all things seem to bustle in a last burst before it starts to quiet and retreat for the day– the birds, people and all else.
You’d see some boys taking their sweaty t-shirts off heading indoors after a game in the field, their backs against the crimson sky that would gradually become dark.
Then a sudden but soft breeze would blow upon your face. You close your eyes, the more to feel it, as if the breeze would take the form of a palm wiping across your cheek.
Why have I seen these before, you’d ask, in your brief moment of darkness.

Or in the night, when all stirred none, save for some writhing bodies that would creak beds. Or a single cricket’s racket or rustling leaves casting lingerie-like silhouettes that would dance through windowpanes.
Then a soft sweet music from a transmitter radio, slightly muted, as if heard from afar, but strangely clear, cutting through the still darkness.
Then you’d ask, why have I been here before?

If mechanistic theories were to be believed in, then perhaps everything that we encounter is a repetition (or rotation) of everything that has happened. Or, at least, the overall pattern of everything that has happened. ( But how come I opened this entry with the description of details, you wonder? Maybe it was not the description of details, for example, i did not say, what colour the t-shirts the boys wore, what their names are, or what sweet music played. Perhaps these are the mold in which the more detailed details are inserted)

Observe, from Eduardo del Rio (Rius) on mechanistic (metaphysics) belief,
“Nature is immutable, subject to the cause and effect of rotary motion like machines”
“Society changes very little for the metaphysician, except by repeating itself mechanically, eg wars, hungers, governments etc)

Hence the dictum, ‘history repeats itself’. Maybe Banda Acheh was Pompeii revisited?

Or the things that we know that we’re putting ourselves go through when embarking on a relationship:
The first sight. The stolen glimpses and when you notice the person is looking back at you. Going through all the trouble to secure a first conversation, perhaps a first date. Saying something unbelievably corny at the first try. Then the conversations. Long, endless conversations that delve deep into the wee hours of the morning. The classic telephone conversation where neither says anything but still holding on to the phone for the fact that there’s that somebody at the other line is enough fodder.

The drama that follows before committing to the relationship. When the unsure becomes certain. The quality times together- (please fill in). the jotting electric shocks. Then the quarrels. The reconciliation. The love that is stronger than before. The betrayal. The forgiveness and the contrition. The waning of the spark. The break up. Adjusting to being almost back to strangers. The back-for-sex-after breakup. Getting over each other. The pact of ‘let’s-be-friends’. Getting on with each other’s lives. The distance that facilitates one’s getting on with their lives. A liar one would be if one’s relationship were without these things.

Perhaps that is why so many of my friends that was in a long relationship (say 2-4 years, an ample time to go through all of above) would end up together again after they break-up. And again and again. Such is ‘cinta agung’. for ‘cinta agung’ is meant to be.

Wrote Oscar Wilde:
“…all that it demonstrated was that our future would be the same as our past, and that the sin we had done once, and with loathing, we would do many times and with joy”

or sang Bjork:
“have you seen the Niagara Falls?”
“ I have seen water, it’s water that’s all”
“the Eiffel Tower and the Empire State?”
“My pulse was as high on my very first date”

(How can one experience a rotation of experience without going through the experiences that makes up the image bank in the first place? Maybe the base is in similar mold, but the details are different or vice versa. But then, what about the ‘first-est’ experience, you’d ask. Beats me.)

What is new experience but a derivation of a former experience?
Perhaps then, we need just one.
Just one, and we’ve seen it all.






p/s But I do have an insatiable thirst for new experiences though. Take me out dancing. Take me everywhere- Taman Burung to dine with the hornbills, up a mountain top to shake hands with Mahathir, to Frangipani where kisses fly amidst designer labels, to see Jit Murad as ‘Malaikat Yang Lalu’, to Sepang where people mock coital positions on the racetrack, to Hamley’s to gape at the train sets on the 3rd Floor, to Zoo Negara to see pink flamingoes………

There is more to life out there. And I don’t care if it’s just a derivation of former experience. Former experiences make me comfortable, because it gives me familiarity of environment. New ones promises new thrills.

Post-coital (but eager for second helping) dessert

He nestled his head in the nook she made between her arm and her chest.

“Why do you like to sleep this way?”

“Nothing beats your bosom as a pillow.”

Nyum-nyum.

“It has raisins on top”

Nyum-nyum.


Nyum-nyum.





p/s (sorry in advance for deliberate slight perverseness, but i have much confidence u guys can handle all these, unlike some people in the parliament)